“Valentine’s Day”- The worst day of my life
I have to take back something what I wrote.
I wrote, that I tended to fall in love with someone who showed interest in me first.
Apparently, that’s not the case.
Let me explain.
There’s a guy, a security guy in our office building. I generally say hello and ask how he is to every security guard on the ground floor.
He was just one of them. But just before Christmas, he started to talk to me and ask me for a hand shake, and a hug.
I consider myself really open for Asian. I’m usually happy to give anyone who is friendly a hug. And after all it was Christmas Eve so I did give him a hug.
He said he loved me. But I paid no heed as he was an Asian, like me, not a native English speaker so the fact he said he loved me didn’t mean anything to me. I just thought he liked me because I was being nice and friendly.
After Christmas holiday, every time he saw me he’d stop me for a few minutes for a chat. And he’d touch my arm and get closer to me, that meant he was invading my personal space which made me uncomfortable.
I like to snuggle up to my friends or boyfriend (if I have one), but he’s not my friend.
As a result, I now dread to go downstairs when I know he’s there. I was avoiding him but yesterday he finally caught up with me and held my arm, asking me what was wrong with me, getting closer to me.
I just mumbled that I was tired and stressed a bit, and got away. Now I couldn’t stand him.
I thought I saw him hurt or sad, and it made me feel bad a bit, and that annoyed me even more.
Obviously, I don’t like someone who likes me more than I do to him.
Question: Do you think you can survive if you catch the love of your life naked with his ex on a Valentine’s Day?
Valentine’s Day is approaching and I’ve nothing to do with the event except praising myself for surviving one year since the worst day of my life, Valentine’s Day, last year.
Time does heal. I’d have flashbacks and clench my fist until it went white, I couldn’t even cry. I couldn’t sleep.
I felt ridiculously good when I threw the pendant “someone” gave me into the dock in front of the office. It was hard not to spit on his face and hurl abuse at him when he smiled at me.
“How f**king dare you!?”
I still have questions I want to ask him. Questions I never asked, questions I never let him answer.
“Why didn’t you leave me alone?”
“Why did you send me that message, ‘Happy Valentine’s Day xxx’, while you were with her?”
“Why couldn’t you tell me the truth?”
“Why were you such a coward?”
“How could you be so devious?”
I HATE YOU, YOU ARE A LIAR. YOU KNOW I HATE LIARS.
I wanted him to be perfect. In reality, he was not that strong. And I couldn’t forgive his weakness.
We still exchange emails every now and then.
As far as I’m concerned, he’s the worst man I’ve ever met.
I despised his behaviour, but still loved him.
I just don’t understand why. Why does he still mean something to me?
It’s hard and I don’t like it.
I’m hoping it’d go away. I want him to go away, disappear. But I want to see him again.
I came across with the word “Limerence” when I was reading a book about psychology. And I think this explains my feelings towards him.
I’m calmer, happier than the time I was with him, but I long for him. My friend said I might be a masochist.
Considering the current situation, disliking someone who apparently likes me and longing for “someone” who couldn’t care less about me, I might be.
I think I’m fine now. I just want to let it go.
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